Hey guys! In case you couldn’t tell by the title, this was supposed to be a review of this week’s Impact. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a TNA Hater or a crazy WWE mark. I just like a show that does what it is advertised to do, give me some WRESTLING. The fantastic creative team down in Orlando may have forgotten that this was indeed a wrestling show, because other than the last match of the night, there was a collective 15 minutes of wrestling within the first hour and a half of the show. Had they used the other hour and 15 minutes to make some new, intriguing storylines or even just crappy new storylines, maybe this episode could have been saved. Unfortunately this was not the case and an overall crappy episode of Impact. Here are my thoughts on the show as it happened

                The show opens with a pretty well done video package recapping the Number 1 Contender’s match between Jeff Hardy and Kurt Angle at No Surrender (if you haven’t seen it yet, please do. It was actually a fantastic match). They oversell the fact that Kurt took a Swanton to the outside and he may have broken some ribs, but he continued to wrestle the match like a champ. It ends with vignettes of both Hardy and Angle saying that they want each other again to see who the better man is. Simple yet effective video package, I liked it.

                Kurt and Jeff are in the right open up the night in the ring wearing ring gear. Jeff’s sporting his “TwoFace” look tonight as only half of his face is painted. Out comes Eric Bischoff putting over both men saying that they had an intense, hard fought bout at No Surrender. He makes the main event at Bound for Glory a Three Way Dance between the two men in the ring and Mr. Anderson for the vacant TNA World Heavyweight Championship. Had the segment ended there, it would have been a nice little opening to the show, but no…Dixie Carter has to come out. Holy crap, she’s SO boring on the mic, I wish they just took her off the air all together and just left her backstage. Anyways, she comes out and puts Hardy and Angle over even further, saying that their match was possibly her favorite match in TNA history. She then remembers that she’s the president of the company and that she has more power than Bischoff and decides that she doesn’t like the match that he made for BFG. She makes the main event Kurt vs Jeff with no time limit, therefore the match will not end on both men like it did at No Surrender.

                We go to the back and Pope looks pissed about what just happened and tells Nash and Sting (who just happen to be in the back with him) that he’s going to go talk to Bischoff about what just happened. As a side note, I’d really like it if Sting just chose a color scheme for his face and just stuck with it. There’s no reason for him to change it every week and I think it’s just dumb. Tonight he looks like he got into a fight with a bowl of tomato soup and the soup totally kicked his ass.

                We come back from commercial break with Tommy Dreamer at some random gas station in Yonkers and he’s being questioned about his match with AJ at No Surrender. He says something that was impossible to hear because apparently whoever was working the mic that segment had no idea what they were doing. Complete waste of 6 seconds that I’ll never get back

                The first match of the night is Kevin Nash with Sting (whose still sporting his Spiderman face paint) up against Samoa Joe with Jeff Jarrett. I just want to put it out there that I HATE this story line and I’m starting to HATE all four of these men, especially the ones who are old enough to be my grandparents. Nash and Sting were good, I’ll give them that. Not so much anymore…they can barely walk, let alone work a halfway entertaining match. And please don’t get me started on Joe and Jarrett all of a sudden teaming up. It’s just pathetic. Taz and Tenay plug Hogan and his back issues during the match then start to talk about the issues between all four men. They start in the ring and Joe hits his turnbuckle kick before the match moves to the outside. Joe’s in control then Sting decides to hit him from behind (wouldn’t that normally qualify as a DQ) Jarrett goes and starts beating up Nash to even the odds and the match ends in a double countout. Security comes and attempts to break up the brawl, but to no avail. Sometimes I feel like security is pointless and they should just let refs try to break up fights, they might end up doing a better job.  Just your basic brawling segment, nothing went on that was incredibly special. Waste of time.

                LACEY’S IN A TOWEL!!!!!! Finally TNA has my attention. Madison and Tara are in the back talking about how cool they are. Lacey and Madison have a Knockout Tag Team Championship match tonight. *sigh* At least Lacy was in a towel for a solid minute.

                Boring segment with Nash and Sting bring us back from commercial break with them just legitimately rambling and screaming at the camera about how they’re going to start a war with Joe and Jarrett and Sting calls this fun. Really Sting? I’m glad boring you’re viewers is what you consider fun nowadays.

                Wait a second…there’s still an X-Division Title?! I’m glad they reminded me! Seriously, I almost forgot. They’ve been doing a terrible job with the division as of late. I really hope they revamp it soon. Anyways, it’s Douglas Williams (minus the rest of Fortune) up against Jay Lethal. Wasn’t it just two months ago that Lethal was supposed to get the Flair Rub? I feel like he’s above the X-division championship and should be at least competing for the TV Title. Match starts out with Williams in control and Williams wants to end this one quickly. Four pin attempts in the last minute but kind of a slow match for an X-Divison match, let alone for the championship. Taz and Tenay are promoting the live event at the Hammerstein Ballroom which kind of throws me off a bit. This is a CHAMPIONSHIP match! Shouldn’t they wait to shamelessly promote a live event until after the match? I’m glad TNA has respect for the title that put them on the map. I digress. Williams has control for a good 5 minutes of the match until he goes to the top and lethal hits a cool drop kick to block a cross body attempt. Lethal hits the Lethal Combination for a close 2 count. The pace picked up a little bit. Williams is selling the kid but moves out of the way when Lethal goes up top for a flying elbow. Williams went for a springboard DDT but lethal blocked it. Lethal Injection for the three count and we have a NEW X-division champion!!! I feel like the match could have gone on a little longer but that’s not the only thing that bugs me. Where was the rest of Fortune when Williams needed they’re help? I’ll assume they were all on a potty break together. Confetti goes off…really? Really? For a title that hasn’t been defended regularly I feel as if confetti is a bit too extreme.

Abyss is dragging someone backstage talking about 10/10/10. The person he’s dragging looks knocked out. I can’t call this segment dumb yet but I have a feeling TNA will do something to make it such.

After an abnormally long commercial break (which kind of made me forget I was watching Impact) they have Kurt in the back talking about how he’s going to Bound For Glory competing  for the Championship.

It’s time for the Knockout Tag Team Match now. I guess tonight is the night of forgotten championships. Oh man Madison looks HOT in leather. I like the “new” Beautiful People entrance.  I’m a fan of Tara as I thought she was insanely misused her final stint with WWE so I hope they think of something better for her to do than be Madison’s lackey (although they can still kiss, I don’t mind that as much) Enough about them, Its Madison and Lacey up against Hamada and Taylor Wilde (yes I forgot either of them were employed too) Taylor looks like she’s put on a few pounds since her Knockout championship days. Match starts with Taylor and Lacey with Taylor getting a few quick rollups for 2 counts. If Lacey wasn’t so hot I swear she’d be unemployed. Madison eventually makes her way into the match and takes complete control of Hamada. A weak double suplex by the B.P tell me that the end of the match is coming soon. Match ends with Taylor making the hot tag to Hamada, and they hit the Samoan Drop Neckbreaker combo on Lacy to retain the titles. After the match Madison blames Lacy for the loss and both Tara and Madison start to attack Lacey (looks like there’s a lot of brawling going on tonight.) Angelina and Velvet come out for the save to the same music Madison, Tara and Lacey come out to which I thought I pretty dumb. One of these teams needs new theme music. Not a terrible match, but not a good one by a long shot.

Back from commercial and Hardy’s talking to the camera this time. He painted the other half of his face just for the interview! Good for him. He sounds like he’s reading some index cards talking about how he wants to be in the main event of BFG. He’s SO bad on the mic.

Dreamer comes out minus EV2.0 in a suit (which just looks wrong) and asks Fortune to come down to the ring. Out comes Fortune minus Douglas Williams (I guess he just wasn’t cool enough for them tonight) Dreamer wants a truce with Fortune which kind of ticks me off. I was halfway hoping that Fortune would completely destroy EV2.0 to make them huge mega stars. Sadly Dreamer’s being a bitch and is pleading for them to leave him and his friends alone. He now starts to put over all the members of Fortune one by one. Man this is taking FOREVER! Yes, we get they’re homegrown talent. Yes, we get that some of them may have been a part of WWE at one point in time. We get it, but we don’t care! This is incredibly cliché. Dreamer even tries to put Flair over as the best hardcore wrestler of all time. I’m SO tempted to turn off my t.v. right now. He saves AJ for last and says that AJ made him quit at No Surrender because he’s better than Dreamer and wants to shake his hand. They way Dreamer’s talking, it makes me think that Fortune is about to turn face. I mean, it’s not going to happen but COME ON CREATIVE!!!! You could have Dreamer put over Fortune by talking about how devastating they are as a unit and not how you introduced Kaz to his wife. AJ now takes the mic and starts to put over Dreamer?! Wait, really? Ugh this is just terrible. AJ shakes Dreamer’s hand (oh no..) but then all of Fortune goes and attacks Dreamer (PHEW…kinda) I’m sick of all the brawls tonight. How about some wrestling? After all, this is a wrestling show right? Kendrick comes through the crowd to make a save but he’s thrown aside. The beating on Dreamer continues with AJ attacking the eye he injured at No Surrender (at least they remembered that part) Security (useless jobbers) come out to stop the brawl and eventually Fortune leaves the ring. Kendrick takes the mic (oh no) and tries to put himself over as a decendant god. He’s good, but he’s not god. He calls out any member of Fortune to a match as we go to commercial break.

Now that we have a commercial break, I could talk about an issue I noticed while the only beneficiaries of AARP in the company were fighting with Joe and Jarrett.  What’s the point of a bell ringing in the middle of a brawl? ESPECIALLY if there was no match preceding the brawl (yes, a bell did go off when Fortune was beating on Dreamer) Does the bell ringer enjoy the sound of the bell? Yes, there weren’t many matches therefore not many opportunities to ring the bell, but it’s dumb. Does he/she really thing that by the sound of the magic ring bell wrestlers will say, “Oh man, it’s the bell. We have to stop now. It’s just sad.

Anyways, now that I’m done ranting, we come back from commercial break with Matt Morgan beating up Kendrick (I guess he took the challenge) It looks like TNA is just using this time to remind us all that Morgan is still remotely relevant. He hits the fallaway and picks up Kendrick right before the 3. Kendrick gets thrown into the corner and when Morgan calls for the Hellavator, he gets a kick to the face and somehow stays down for a 3 count. After Kendrick runs away like a little bitch, Morgan goes CRAZY and cries that he wants this match erased from the TNA history books. It seems like only yesterday Matt Morgan was a main eventer. Hell, he even headlined last year’s Bound for Glory! I’m glad he just lost to friggen Spanky…CLEANLY!!!! Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Pope’s in the back yelling at Ms. Tessmacher about how he wants a meeting with Bischoff about what happened. She says he’s in a meeting and he’s leaving the impact zone at 10:45. Pope makes a sexual comment about him and Ms. Tessmacher. He’ll be in his dressing room and she’ll try to “squeeze him in” OH SNAP! I kinda miss this in the WWE, but I’m not going to talk about that, this is TNA. RVD is up next to talk about when Abyss attacked him.

We’re back and Abyss is in the back with people tied up and he’s ranting about 10/10/10. He threatens the guy tied up on a table with Janice but instead he takes a branding iron with the previous date on it and brands the guy on the table with it. I almost like Abyss right now. I’m trying to at least. He needs some help though…James Mitchell anyone?

First time Taz and Tenay are on TV for the first time tonight and we get a phone interview with RVD. He says that he’s recovering nicely and he plans on getting the first title opportunity once he comes back. I think that’s fine. After all, he didn’t really lose the title, so I feel its okay that he gets the first crack at it once he comes back. You can barely hear him talk over the music they’re playing during the interview. This is the former TNA Champion, I feel like he deserves some respect. RVD says he’ll be in the Impact Zone next week. Great….I can look forward to another bland and boring promo and I’m sure Abyss will somehow get involved…fantastic..(in case you aren’t able to tell I’m filled to the brim with sarcasm)

Out comes Generation Me trash talking the Motor City Machine guns and saying that its only a matter of time before they get the tag team gold. I like the new heel Bucks. It’ll be tough for them though, you can’t really fly around the ring and maintain a heel persona. Just ask AJ Styles. They call out Sabin, who obliges, and yet ANOTHER brawl ensues. The number game catches up with Sabin and Gen Me hits a really sick looking hanging double arm DDT from the top rope. This is the best segment of the night so far (which is kind of upsetting) I feel like there’s going to be an Ultimate X match between these two teams at Bound for Glory. It just feels right to me.

They’re hyping the Jersey Shore Gimmick thing which makes its Debut 10/7. Oh man I’m SO not looking forward to that one.

Back to the same opening package they showed at the beginning of the show, putting both of them over for the match at No Surrender. They say that they want each other again (how weird is it that they get their wish tonight?!)

Hardy looks bored as he comes down to the ring and honestly I don’t blame him. I’d be bored out of my mind too if I had to sit through the last hour and a half of the crap TNA just put on TV. I hope this match saves what would be a terrible episode of Impact. Hardy’s wearing new face paint. He’s appeared 3 times and he’s had 3 different faces…oh man, he needs help big time. The match starts out very technical with Kurt in control. Hardy gains control and starts to attack the “broken ribs” and the match moves to the outside. Taz and Tenay are really trying to sell Kurt’s ribs being injured. Hardy and and Angle go back and forth with some punches and Hardy gets whipped out of the ring. The match starts to pick up when Kurt (yes Kurt) goes slingshot over the ropes and crashes onto Hardy on the outside. We go to commercial with Mr. Anderson coming out on the stage as he goes to sit with Taz and Tenay.

We’re back with Kurt and Jeff taking each other out with a double clothesline. Anderson is announcing! Finally, a reason for to care about what the announce team has to say. They’ve been really bad tonight. The camera goes over to the announce table and we see Taz reading off of a paper. Pathetic. Kurt hits a belly to belly for a two count which is followed almost immediately by an inverted Twist of Fate.  I thought a Belly to Belly was supposed to hurt? I think Jeff must have forgotten that minor detail. Kurt didn’t because he stays down long enough for Jeff to go to the top to attempt a Swanton. He misses and Kurt hits a really cool looking springboard cross body for a 2 count. This match is really saving this episode…I hope they don’t do anything to mess it up. Kurt can’t lose because he has to retire if he does, but I’m sure they don’t want to bury Hardy because at least one Hardy has to do something remotely good with is career. Angle slaps on the ankle lock and he’s bleeding from the face. Hardy hits a Swanton and Kurt kicks out. Anderson puts over how much heart Kurt has for kicking out and winning a “freaking gold medal with a broken freaking neck” (Rap battle against Cena from 2004 anyone) That one made me laugh…a lot. Hardy goes for a Whisper in the Wind but hits the ref instead. You’d think that would spell doom but Earl Hebner comes out basically right away after Kurt hits a couple of Angle slams for a two count. That’s something you don’t see every day. Good to see that the officials actually pay attention to matches sometimes. The end of Impact comes but the match is still going on. Tenay says goodbye and they’re picking up the rest of the match on Reaction! I’m really glad they didn’t rush the match within the 20 minutes allotted in the rest of Impact. Good job TNA! You did something right! Anderson reveals that he would rather face Angle if he had a choice of an opponent in order to have an honorable rematch which is good.

Thank goodness this match was tonight. It almost made me forget about how awful the rest of the show was. Angle hits 5 German Suplexes in a row for a count of two. When Anderson is done in the ring, he has a bright future behind the announcing desk. He’s so good on the mic. Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate but Kurt counters it into the ankle lock. Kurt has an interesting grapevine on it as the other ref who was knocked out starts to come around. The match ends when Kurt and Jeff are both counted for 3 when both of their shoulders are on the mat. Remember that time I said I hope TNA doesn’t mess up this match? THEY JUST DID!! They really couldn’t have thought of a better way to end this match?! Maybe have the Pope come out and make a statement by laying out both Hardy and Angle! Tonight was full of brawls anyway so why not have one that actually means something?! Come on! This is just an upsetting turn of events to end what was otherwise a great match. Out comes Eric Bischoff to say something as we go to commercial.

We’re back and Bischoff is in the ring and puts over both guys for being intense and putting on a great match. That doesn’t, however, excuse the horrible ending of the match. It’s now a Three Way Dance (AGAIN!) at Bound for Glory between Angle, Hardy and Mr. Anderson. Hold on just a second. Bischoff was supposed to be gone at 10:45! It’s 11:20!!!! So one of two things just happened, either Tessmacher lied to the Pope, which will and should result in a pimp slap, or TNA writers just forgot Bischoff was supposed to be gone and assumed we the viewers would forget as well. WOW this is just DUMB! That’s not the only thing that’s just dumb. Bischoff booked the match almost two and a half hours ago! There was no point in having him do that this episode…maybe start next week by doing it. UGH TNA dropped the ball on this…bigtime. They show Dixie in the crowd and at least she pretended to look upset. I hope she has a reaction to this treachery on the part of Bischoff. The show ends with Dixie looking upset.  Terrible, terrible ending.

This episode left a LOT to be desired., With the lack of wrestling (other than the final match) and plethora of dumb segments, I feel like this episode was just plain sad. I feel like something a good friend of mine said sums up the entire night. Until next week, take it easy guys.

                And I quote “Literally, watching this show is like ripping a huge fart and then locking yourself in a room with it.” –Eric Cordova